Xenia’s Garden

It seems that I can pray or I can fast but I have a hard time doing both. 

During Great Lent, it is easy for me to keep the fast.  As an old hippie,  I already have vegan leanings and relish the opportunity to dust off my old vegetarian cookbooks.   However, I find that I have a very hard time maintaining my prayer rule during Lent.  I asked a monastic friend, Father Lawrence, why this might be and he said it’s spiritual warfare.  What did Our Lord say to His disciples who were unable to cast out a particularly nasty demon?  “These come out only through prayer and fasting.”   Prayer and fasting are spiritual weapons that when used together can give us victory over demonic powers.  Therefore, it makes sense that we would be tempted to slack off in either prayer or fasting.    When I am overcome by feelings of despondancy and sloth during prayer time,  I need to remember that this is exactly the effect the demons are hoping to produce in me. 

Today is the Sunday when we remember St. John of the Ladder’s great (and terrifying) book, The Ladder of Divine Ascent.  This book could be sub-titled How to Become Christ-like in Thirty Excruciatingly Difficult Steps.  Chapter one is about renouncing the world and getting rid of the things that distract us from Christ.  As I was listening to Fr. Thaddeus’ homily this morning, I realized how much college distracts me from the things of God. So many nights I fall asleep reading and miss my prayers.  So many days I’m unable to attend week-day services.  So many week-ends I’m so tired or bogged down with course work that I never have people over for a meal. So many emails have gone unanswered.  So many Bible readings have gone unread because I have to read for school.  All my sentences these days start out with an apologetic “Well, when school is over,  then I’ll [....].   I’ll invite my god daughter and her husband over for dinner, I’ll weed the garden, I’ll attend week-day matins and evening vespers, I’ll read all the Christian books gathering dust on my shelves, I’ll fix my husband good dinners,  I’ll read books to my granddaughter,  I’ll walk the dogs, I’ll answer all my emails, I’ll read  through the Bible, I’ll bake bread again, I’ll knit my older daughter the afghan I promised her a few years ago…

Lord have mercy.

Every year I buy a new cookbook for Lent,  to cheer me on the journey.  This year it’s 101 Things to do with Tofu. I fixed the sloppy joes today.  They were pretty good for Lenten food but nothing you would ever eat if it wasn’t Lent.  This is my husband’s first Lent as an Orthodox Christian and he’s being a very good sport about it all.  He had resisted converting to Orthodoxy because of the fasts- he had the mistaken idea that if he didn’t keep the fasts it would be sin.  When Fr. J. explained to him that Lent was for him and his growth,  all his objections fell away.  It’s a chance to practice denying ourselves in the little things so we will be able to deny ourselves if something big comes up.