Xenia’s Garden

It seems that I can pray or I can fast but I have a hard time doing both. 

During Great Lent, it is easy for me to keep the fast.  As an old hippie,  I already have vegan leanings and relish the opportunity to dust off my old vegetarian cookbooks.   However, I find that I have a very hard time maintaining my prayer rule during Lent.  I asked a monastic friend, Father Lawrence, why this might be and he said it’s spiritual warfare.  What did Our Lord say to His disciples who were unable to cast out a particularly nasty demon?  “These come out only through prayer and fasting.”   Prayer and fasting are spiritual weapons that when used together can give us victory over demonic powers.  Therefore, it makes sense that we would be tempted to slack off in either prayer or fasting.    When I am overcome by feelings of despondancy and sloth during prayer time,  I need to remember that this is exactly the effect the demons are hoping to produce in me. 

Years ago, I had a web site for kids which I called “Beantown.” Since these were the days when the Internet was young and web pages were simple, Beantown was a bit of a success. The site centered around the continuing adventures of two Christian kids named Willy and Grace who, along with Flop the dog, got into Nancy Drew-type scrapes in a fictitious coastal town in California. (This was before the TV program “Will and Grace” came on the scene, to my dismay.) The site had Bible stories and projects kids could do, related to the current story. This was back in the day when web sites had guest books and I was amazed at how many kids read Beantown. People from all over the world signed the guest book and one lady wrote that she used Beantown as Sunday school curriculum! Beantown was simple. It was just stories with simple graphics. I had an “Ask Aunt Betty” feature where I attempted to answer visitors’ Bible questions.

I haven’t worked on Beantown since I became Orthodox. Willy and Grace were not Orthodox. I’ve thought about reworking the site, making them Orthodox, but that seems all wrong somehow. Instead, I am going to launch a new site called “The Adventures of Johnny and Talia.” It will be just a simple as Beantown and may not be the hit Beantown was because the Internet has gotten a whole lot more complicated, but I am optimistic and enthusiastic.

Today is the Sunday when we remember St. John of the Ladder’s great (and terrifying) book, The Ladder of Divine Ascent.  This book could be sub-titled How to Become Christ-like in Thirty Excruciatingly Difficult Steps.  Chapter one is about renouncing the world and getting rid of the things that distract us from Christ.  As I was listening to Fr. Thaddeus’ homily this morning, I realized how much college distracts me from the things of God. So many nights I fall asleep reading and miss my prayers.  So many days I’m unable to attend week-day services.  So many week-ends I’m so tired or bogged down with course work that I never have people over for a meal. So many emails have gone unanswered.  So many Bible readings have gone unread because I have to read for school.  All my sentences these days start out with an apologetic “Well, when school is over,  then I’ll [....].   I’ll invite my god daughter and her husband over for dinner, I’ll weed the garden, I’ll attend week-day matins and evening vespers, I’ll read all the Christian books gathering dust on my shelves, I’ll fix my husband good dinners,  I’ll read books to my granddaughter,  I’ll walk the dogs, I’ll answer all my emails, I’ll read  through the Bible, I’ll bake bread again, I’ll knit my older daughter the afghan I promised her a few years ago…

Lord have mercy.

I just watched the Russian film “The Island.”  The main character is an old sailor (Fr. Anatoli) who washed up upon the shore of a remote Russian monastery.  He’s a bit of a fool for Christ but people visit him to be healed, to the vexation of some of the more conventional monks on the island.  The best scene is the one where Fr. Anatoli nearly chokes his abbot to death with a smokey fire to show him that his (the abbot’s) life is choked with many comforts. The great thing was that the abbot got the message and thanked him.   Fr. Anatoli heals people and even casts out a demon, using only the prayers that we all say every night from our own prayer books.  We all can be Fr. Anatoli.

Fr. Anatoli’s job at the monastery was hauling coal, using a delapidated wheelbarrow.  He did this as unto the Lord. It reminded me of the book An Ordinary Man by Paul Rusesabagina. This is the book upon which the movie “Hotel Rwanda” was based.  Paul R. saved over 1000 souls from the Rwandan Genocide by being a good hotel manager. When asked about his bravery he always replied “I’m just a hotel manager.” 

I think we spend a lot of time worrying what God’s will is for us.  Do people still use that old evangelistic come-on “God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life?”  How much time has been wasted trying to discern what God’s will is for our lives?  Just do the job you have to the glory of God and you will be in His will- no need to search further.  Pray, worship, and love your neighbor and you will be in God’s will, even if your job is hauling coal or managing a hotel.  As Blessed Augustine said- Love God and do what you want.

Every year I buy a new cookbook for Lent,  to cheer me on the journey.  This year it’s 101 Things to do with Tofu. I fixed the sloppy joes today.  They were pretty good for Lenten food but nothing you would ever eat if it wasn’t Lent.  This is my husband’s first Lent as an Orthodox Christian and he’s being a very good sport about it all.  He had resisted converting to Orthodoxy because of the fasts- he had the mistaken idea that if he didn’t keep the fasts it would be sin.  When Fr. J. explained to him that Lent was for him and his growth,  all his objections fell away.  It’s a chance to practice denying ourselves in the little things so we will be able to deny ourselves if something big comes up.